Stalkers & Harrasment: No Mercy

For the most part we have dealt with the sort of disposition and character that promotes and encourages a loving relationship in our lives. However, due to the world in which we live, there are times when the aftermath of what was once hoped to be our joy becomes our greatest anxiety. It is in these instances a different sort of strength is required of our character. I speak of the pitiful situation in which a former spouse or lover refuses to accept the end of the relationship and goes beyond normal measures of anger in retaliation.

During a relationship, as two become closer and closer, there is a natural rise in hopes and intimacy. When a relationship ends, for whatever reasons, it is just as natural that the unrealized hopes and discontinued intimacy cause us disappointment and hurt. However it is best that each person can resolve their own feelings and find ‘closure’ by spending time both alone and with close friends. However not everyone is able to do this. Unfortunately we find ourselves seeing the worst of some people only after a relationship has been terminated.

I’ll set forth two scenarios however they are by no means exclusive to one particular gender. A man or woman could behave in either of these extreme manners. Then we will look at how to address each situation best.

Scenario one I define as ‘Emotional Torment’. In such a case we have, for example’s sake, a woman who cannot accept the fact that the relationship is over. I do not by this mean a woman who simply feels hurt or pain, for it has been mentioned that some degree of this is natural to us as humans. It is well enough to go separate ways and count the painful experience as a learning one. However in our scenario here we have a person who is not content to ‘go their own way’. In this situation the woman feels she must project her extreme amounts of internal anger and bitterness upon the one she feels responsible.. her former mate.

In these cases the harassment often begins with embittered phone calls which have no other point to them other than an attempt to express hatefulness and self-absolution. Typically with the theme, “I hate you, my faults are not the issue, I hope you have a miserable life.” In some cases a few instances of venting is all one needs to endure and the person will go their way feeling they have ‘had their say’. However if this person does not feel they have caused enough misery to their former spouse it is not uncommon that they may send vile letters in the mail or make slanderous phone calls to the targeted victim’s family and friends.. hoping by chance to seduce them into joining her anger.

The main theme behind such actions is not that of physical injury, but injury to one’s reputation and feelings. There is no regard for what rationally makes sense and this sort of person will even distort events known to be true in order to validate their passionate hatred.

When dealing with this sort of person perhaps one of the foremost things to keep in mind is that you are not dealing with a rational person. If you meet the average person on the street and perhaps bump into them you may simply say, “Excuse me.” and that is about the end of the issue. With an irrational person there is no regard for explanations that it was an accident.. in their minds you rushed up and attacked them and nothing will convince them otherwise. Similarly when a person’s tunneled vision is to disregard any responsibility of their own and focus only on how any of your behaviors, even in the slightest, prove you to be a monster and them to be angelic then you know you are no longer dealing with a person able to see both sides of the issue.

This being the case it becomes only more and more unproductive to try and reason through any phone or mail correspondence. The accusations become greater and more unreasonable. The best tact is to simply and repeatedly say, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I can only apologize for what is genuinely my fault. We are no longer together and I do not wish to hear from you any longer.” This is where it becomes necessary to discontinue any and all communication with such a person. This means refusing phone calls, returning postal mail unopened ‘to sender’ and putting a server block on their incoming e-mail. Too often it is thought such a person can be reasoned with and it only escalates the situation to no resolve. The biggest mistake that could be made at this point would be to keep the person on the phone or reply to correspondence. It may seem harsh but, if there is to be a minimizing of damage for things said, unproductive arguing has to be stopped dead in it’s tracks.

Scenario Two I define as ‘Physical Threat’. Here we have let’s say, a man, who also cannot accept the fact that the relationship is over. Perhaps he thinks he needs to prove his ‘machismo’ or manhood by persistently insisting she is still his ‘woman’ no matter what she says. Perhaps he is overly jealous at the thought of her with another man who he knows will treat her better than he ever did. Or perhaps he simply is angry at the fact that his selfish needs are no longer being met and he is inconvenienced. For whatever reasons some men go beyond the normal amount of hurt and pain, resorting to intimidation and unreasonable demands in the process.

It is at this point that the former mate becomes this man’s targeted victim. This sort of man will lose all respect for the woman by grossly overstepping common bounds of privacy. This may include stalking her wherever she goes, stealing her phone bill to monitor her calls, harassing her at work, calling at all hours of the night, planting himself outside her door or any number of similar actions aimed at keeping himself in her life even if as a nuisance.

Despite repeated pleas that he discontinue such behavior, some men will go even further. This may include vandalism to her property, intruding into her home and even threats of kidnapping, violence or murder.

In such cases one must be especially firm and resolved. Unlike our first scenario, dealing with this sort of situation cannot be properly handled by passive non-interaction. Threats to property or person are not to be taken lightly. I have seen and heard of women who feel they must pity an angry former lover and postpone involving the police authorities. The more room a man is given to vent his anger the further he will take it. Therefore it is imperative to make use of the authorities right from the beginning of such threats to avoid any escalation.

When dealing with such a person, action is needed. There must be no hesitancy about reporting each incident of stalking, harassment and threat to the local authorities who can keep the date and times of all such incidents on record as supporting evidence should something drastic occur at a later time. I also strongly advise the use of a ‘Restraining Order’. When used the R.O. can be an effective method of punishing such unwanted behavior.

I strongly disagree with those who say, “Oh, those things are useless.. it can’t protect you.” The purpose of a restraining order is to make it possible for the police to arrest an individual for being anywhere near you either in person or by phone. This can include both fines and jail-time. The R.O. is not a ‘magic shield of invincibility’, no such thing exists. The purpose of the R.O. is to make it easier to prosecute such unwanted behavior upon those who are unwilling to ‘go their own way’ by simple request. To not make use of one when one’s property, life or emotional health is being tormented is to limit the rights and protection available to you by law.

Once a restraining order has been served it is useless if it is not enforced. When the tormenting man or woman comes to bash in your windshield or call repeatedly through the night, follow you from home or approach you in a public place.. the worst thing that could be done is to let that person think you are unwilling to call the police. When the order has been violated you cannot hesitate to make use of it. It must be remembered that you would not have to prosecute if they had the good sense to respect your rights as an individual. If they find themselves incarcerated, fined or picking up trash along the freeway as community service.. they have only themselves to blame for not leaving you alone.

I suppose the only reason an article such as this must be written is because of our tendency to not want harm upon someone we once had love or affection for. I believe in enduring love and still care for each woman I’ve had in my life. I hope their lives go well with them in the future much as I’m sure many of you wish for those special relationships that just didn’t work out. However, when a person returns such care with an unyielding attack upon your happiness and well being I also believe it is perfectly your right and responsibility to let them know you will make full use of the laws designed to protect yourself.

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Breakups & Forgiveness

I love reading biographies. Ever since I was a little kid, reading the biographies of men like Thomas Edison, Wild Bill, the Wright Brothers and of course.. William Hershey. Later in life I’ve gone on to read more about men like Jesus, Martin Luther, Jim Morrison, Michaelangelo, Da Vinci and.. Ernest Hemingway. From each I’ve tried to learn something they spent their life observing or practicing, and it was from Hemingway that I have had the following words engraved into my psyche;

“Always remember a woman as she was on her very best day.” –E.Hemingway

Perhaps similar to your own experiences, I’ve had my share of having “loved and lost”. Met some really wonderful women, fallen in love and for a variety of reasons.. just didn’t work out and we went our separate ways. Plenty of my buddies have gone through the same as perhaps you have. This is what I’ve observed.

After breaking up, there’s this need to sort of ‘re-define’ our image of that person in terms of how we recall them or our memories with them. I believe it’s at this point we see what it is we’re actually made of. I once read the saying, “Any man can show kindness to his friends.. it is how a man deals with his enemies where we see his mercy put to the test.” People meet, they fall in love and even in good relationships people still get hurt.

Some people, after breaking up, choose to take a very harsh turn on their former beloved. The only things coming out of the heart and mouth are “..all the times they hurt me, let me down, disappointed me… etc.”. The temptation is there. I know, I myself too easily have dwelt on how “so and so did this or that, how unjust! how unkind! blah, blah, blah..”. It runs through the mental theater like an intruding picture show. But then what? You walk around filled with angst, hurt, a sense of injustice and bitterness that entertains no one nor does anything to help you grow as a person. Wigging out for a couple days is understandable, but it’s not to be a lifetime occupation, this twisted bitterness that shows up on your doorstep the moment hurt strikes you deep.

No, there’s another way. I’ve found it much less painful and so much better for my relationships with others in the future. It’s called ‘forgiveness’. Okay, so somebody lied to you, left you for someone else, used you, led you on… it happens. But remember you too have hurt others in some way or another and perhaps without even giving it much thought. None of us are perfect or blameless… well, except for those conceited people who are just impossible to be around.

If you could remember one moment, one day, when you saw the very best of your former love… remember that. And when you remember the wrong they did at a later time in your relationship, remember that you’ve forgiven them and it’s a finished issue. They’ve gone their way, you’ve gone yours. Perhaps they’ll change with someone else, perhaps not. But either way, even if it were in your power or at your disposal to see them pay for what they did… remember that in mercy you’d not want such punishment be brought on them, because you forgive them.

This is where we have to look at ourselves and take a hard look at what we’re made of. When we said, “I love you.”, was that a conditional statement or did we extend that love freely? Do we only love those who love us in return? Even the most selfish of persons can pull off that trick. We need not pine or long for a former lover, that would be unhealthy.. got to move on towards the future and leave the past behind. But we can still extend that love that does not wish any harm upon those we once loved closely.

Some might say it’s impossible for their particular situation. I say that for any situation it can be hard at times, but not impossible. After a while, it actually becomes a joy. To just kind of shrug your shoulders, let out a heavy sigh and wish your former beloved all goodness in their travels as you relieve them of any obligation to any wrongs they brought upon you. Then you commit yourself to remember them… “as they were, on their very best day.”

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Child Support Response:

Of all the articles I’ve written thus far, without a doubt the top-three most discussed articles have been on the issues of ‘Jealousy’, ‘Forgiveness’ and ‘Child Support’. While all e-mail is answered not until now have any of these responses been posted. However a recent questioning of the “Should Non-Custodial Parents Pay Child Support?” article brought up recurring positions that I felt would be best presented once and for all to all readers with similar concerns.

What follows below is such a response. The original sender’s identity has been masked out for sake of anonymity.

WReturn-Path:
Date: Sat, 13 Mar 1999 10:24:10 -0800
To: xxxxxxxx@yahoo.com (Xxxxxxx)
From: “Henry V.”
Subject: Re: Child-Support

At 06:23 AM 3/13/99 -0800, you wrote:
>
>Comments: I just read your article about child support.
>While I agree that it is the duty of the parents to support their children,
>I still believe you are not in touch with the real world of custody and
>support battles.
>In one example in Australia, a man asked the child support authorities
>to reduce his paymanets as he was working 60 hours per week and
>would like to see his children on weekends.
>It was refused.
>He then outlayed $XX 000 in appeals and lost!

Dear Xxxxxxx,

As I mentioned in the article, the other side of the coin is that the laws concerning child support are neither consistent from state to state nor always fair. What I was addressing was the overwhelming moral and legal reasoning that, irregardless of all other factors.. a man has the responsibility to contribute to the support of his children. This is aside from whether their mother is rich or poor. This is aside from whether she is fair or unfair with the visitation schedules.

To put it as I heard it from a judge on someone else’s case last year, (paraphrasing); “While the delinquency of support cannot be tolerated, it does not do the children any good for BOTH parents to be irresponsible in their duties by responding with denied visitation.” So, conversely, even if one is paying their support on time, if they are not getting proper visitation due to the mother.. it does not help matters by with-holding child support, thus making the problem two-fold. A man ought to have a firm grasp on his responsibility to provide support irregardless of all other factors based simply on the fact that he loves those kids and wants to contribute to their care aside from anything he gets in return.

>Many custodial wives are in the business of asset stripping their former
partner.
>They are in the business of denying access to the children’s father.
>They are involved in adulterous relationships and have undeclared incomes.
>The law courts stop the non-custodial parents from getting proper access.
>There are many men who are driven to poverty at the expense of relatively
wealthy women.

Courts only give the right to garnish when child support becomes an ‘arrearage’, or past-due. The only men being garnished or having assets stripped are those who have had their chance to pay support and neglected it, thus instigating collection by the courts. Courts do not confiscate assets for -future- child support. As for courts denying access between father and children, the ONLY cases I have seen this happen is when the father has been shown to be violent and must be supervised during visitation. Supervised visitation is not denial of visitation, but visitation under special circumstance to protect the
child against physical or psychological manipulation.

As to men driven to poverty, I have met with such men. They fall into two categories. There are first those who have a legitimate case to have their support reduced due to loss or change of employment but neglect to take their case to court. They give up before even trying and meanwhile the original, higher support judgment goes unchanged as the arrearages just keep building up. The second group are those who are left nearly penniless because they purposely put much effort into EVADING child-support for years and when finally cornered had accrued as much as $90,000+ in back-due child support. This was no one’s fault but their own for rebelling against the court order and failing to challenge it due to a change in employment wages.

Concerning ex-spouses involved in adulterous relationships.. first of all, they are EX-spouses and now accountable for their own behavior to God, not you. There a few laws if any stating that un unmarried man or woman may not keep custody if having premarital sex. As for undeclared income, again.. too many men are too lazy to learn the system and take the time to actually prove, or Contest, these instances of unreported income or other matters and thus it never sees the inside of a courtroom. It does not take a high-paid lawyer to file a Notice of Motion on an existing support judgment. Just as a note, from the Judge’s point of view.. if you have enough money to pay an expensive lawyer to talk you out of child-support.. you therefore have enough income to be supporting your kids to some extent. Yet another small dose of reality.

>The suicide rate amongst men is highest on Father’s Day when they are
denied access by unscrupuous women.

I don’t contend the statement on suicide, but I do temper it with this other fact.. there are also a high number of missing children who will never see their mother again because the father kidnaps the kids to supposedly avoid child support. (In actuality, child-support accrual continues and the felony of Kidnapping has been committed by the non-custodial parent.) A family friend right now is trying to put her life together after her ex-husband had unsupervised visitation and diappeared with her two children more than a year ago. She has since then found out he abandoned them with distant family in El Salvador. She will never see her children again. Yes, many men blow their brains out from depression due to unscrupulous women..
but that door swings both ways every day of the week across the nation.

>I enjoy your article but this one on child support though good in intent
>lacks reality.
>Women use the system of justice to reek revenge and gain income.
>That is the modern world.
>The law doesn’t acknowledge this.
>It is the men that suffer.

Yes, there are women using the system to exact revenge on their ex-spouse. It becomes a war as I also mentioned in the article. But that still does not wash away a man’s responsibility to care for the lives he brought into this world. There are also many other women using this same system to get the support their children deserve from fathers who discard their kids like an old fad or unwanted pet. If it is the -reality- perspective you wish to see.. you must acknowledge that reality is comprised of both abusers of the system as well as those using it in a rightful manner. Through the system, many men suffer. Many women and children suffer as well. Through the same system, many men gain their visitation rights back and children get the support they need that feeds their bellies and pays the rent. Reality is not all the ‘victims’ or the ‘victors’.. but both.

>In your father’s case- what was the role of your mother?
>

In my father’s case, the role of my mother was two-fold. She consistently asked him for child-support (outside of court, no garnishments) and never got any child-support other than maybe a grand total of $300 over an 12 year period. Yet meanwhile she also never with-held visitation from him and never bad-mouthed him behind his back to his children. Even with her own children’s rights being trampled, she did not make a bad situation worse by denying visitation. I have e-mailed with men who similarly have had their visitation repeatedly denied.. and yet STILL they consistently send a check in the mail for their kids because they want to be at least in some way a part of their upbringing. These are Real Men who know the meaning of the word, ‘Responsibility’.

In light of all this, I do not view the article as unrealistic. As I also stated in the article, I do not believe a man should be driven to poverty via child support. But sadly, too many men think not having enough cash flow to support their Corvette and some bimbo qualifies as a state of ‘poverty’.. yet meanwhile their kids wear old clothes to school and eat Cup-A-Soup all week. I have little tolerance for men who -could- go to court and have their support reduced/adjusted to their income.. but instead sit on their butt crying over a beer about how hard the system is on them.

I hope that clarifies any oversights you may have missed in the article and I appreciate your honest candor.

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All Work, No Play

(written circa 1999)

This article is primarily for Dads. Well, and for any single guy who ever plans on someday becoming a Dad. Or any woman who might have a baby who might someday grow up to become a Dad. What the heck, it’s for anybody.

The subject is that of a classic flub made for the most part by men when it comes to the issue of that ambiguous term, “Quality Time”. While, thankfully, this does not apply to all men it unfortunately happens to far too many men and not realized until it is very late. Hopefully we can remedy that here.

For most men, the birth of their first child is probably the moment of most striking responsibility they have ever had laid upon them in their entire lives. Suddenly he is no longer the free-spirit who could wander the world with his care-free bride as he pleased. Now there is this fragile hope of life that looks up at him with total trust that, no matter what, Dad is gonna make a workable plan to see that there’s enough food, clothes, shelter and toys for the next eighteen years or so. And so Dad starts taking his job a bit more seriously. Maybe he’ going back to school to better himself, working overtime to increase his check or shoot for that internal promotion within the company.

Despite all the changes that have occurred with the equalization of women in the marketplace and society one thing has yet to change.. the fact that men and women are different. Children still seek out their Mothers for comfort when they get a boo-boo and look to Dad as the maker of Rules and all around strong man who also happens to know just about everything. (At least until the kids get to be teenagers, then all their brilliance is suddenly ancient.) Even with a working Mom, she is often the one who will put in a full day at work and still do a majority of the cooking, cleaning and nurturing at home. With so many absent Fathers due to divorce or separation this is not entirely uncommon.

Meanwhile Father is busy working and splitting up the rest of his time either on home-projects, hopefully time with his wife, possibly schooling, hobbies and seeking an occasional afternoon of rest on the weekend. Dad has work, school, wife, kids, fix-up projects, budgets, bills, car maintenance, vacation planning and a wide variety of other things all battling for his time. This is the point at which too many men have made an error in their priorities.

I can say from observation and personal experience that it becomes very easy for men to believe something that ultimately robs them of precious time with their children. It is the rational that says, “The kids get plenty of attention from their Mother, I need to be free to focus on all these other issues.” As well intentioned and reasonable as it may sound, what in effect happens is that Dad excludes himself over time from the intimacy of being alone with his kids. Eventually even the thought of ‘watching the kids’ without his wife present seems to be a catastrophic event to be avoided at all costs. Dad gets weaned from being alone with the kids to such a point that he becomes unfamiliar in the joys that are there to be had.

Married at one time for ten years I saw myself fall slowly into this same trap. The first seven years were nominal although most of the nurturing was already being done by my wife at the time. During the last three years when finances and other problems were more stressful I found myself more often just ‘near’ the kids and not really ‘with’ them. The trap of delegating my Dad-time away had finally set in.

As happens with many men, it was not until after a divorce that I began to realize two very important things. One was that I loved my kids very much, missing them greatly during the week. The other that I was utterly incompetent at having them alone with me for more than twenty minutes. A lot can happen when you’ve got three boys on your hands.

Right away, unwilling to lose any more ties with them I steadily had them with me on my allotted weekends. I thought long and hard during the time in between as to what kind of relationship they needed from me. ‘Consistency’ was very important. I wasn’t going to juggle my time with them any more. Our weekends were our weekends, no schedule changes at the last minute. ‘Quality’ time meant we would spend time being ‘together’ and not just in the same place. That meant that I was -not- going to think up some carnival/circus/Disneyland experience for them every time they came over to keep them entertained. Instead we learned to cook together, (or that failing, went for pizza together). We went grocery shopping or to the park to play ball-tag. We went for picnics in the mountains and at the beach. Nature walks and the planetarium or sometimes just a weekend hanging out playing computer games and munching out on snacks over a video or two.

Since then, in these last six years, I actually spend more time being ‘with’ my kids than ever before. Not just ‘near’ them in vicinity. Three years ago I added Wednesdays as our Special Day where I can spend the afternoon with just one of them on a rotating schedule so that we can talk about anything they can’t talk about when it’s all four of us. It’s a time we look forward to that has been placed as priority these three years so that they know they will have their special time with me no matter how busy I get. This year we instituted our first annual ‘Rosarito Boyz Time-Out’ Mexico vacation which I hope we can continue to do even as they grow to be young men.

The reason I point out my personal experience is to show that even despite learning such a lesson so late there is always something that can be done to begin remedying it. Children need to see that kindness, compassion, love and attention are virtues their Fathers possess as well as their Mothers. True, some men do not have these virtues and are a vicious influence that children need to be protected from. But I speak to those who ache to correct the time missing in their lives to ‘know’ their children as they grow up.

If you are still married, do not wait until you can only visit your children to realize how important it is you be with them. If you are as yet unmarried, consider how having children is much more than birthing them and supplying for their financial needs. For if you are willing to make whatever changes necessary in order to be a part of your child’s personal life you will find a satisfaction that outweighs any victory over the other stresses and demands made on your life.

In the process this may mean learning to change diapers, settle disputes, clean up spilled drinks, apply bandaids, give hugs and even some edible cooking skills. But in the end you will have crafted exquisite moments of time that are exceedingly worth the effort.

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